How to Fail Like a Champ

Last month during a family ski trip, I totally ate it at the busiest lift in front of like 3,000 people. I fell so hard, I turned into a cartoon. My 7-year-old, suffering from acute mountain sickness no less, managed to master this thing, but that “magic carpet” (BS!) took me down like the invisible ninja.

In the 8th grade I had braces, wore glasses, had excessively curly/frizzy hair, and just enough chub to make my face look as round as a dinner plate. This same year, for reasons known only to God, I decided to experiment with makeup, get a boy to like me, make friends at a new school, and be really good at math. None of those things worked out well for me. At all.

Once, in a hurry, I mistakenly grabbed a travel size bottle of nose spray and only after my eyes began shriveling up in my head did I realize they weren’t eye drops.

I have said, “That’s the dumbest idea I have ever heard.” out loud and then realized I was not on mute and then three agonizing milliseconds later thankful as hell that for once being automatically muted on Skype for Business actually just saved my life.

When I was 21 years old, I was interning as a high school English teacher. One Saturday night while partying the night away wearing three scraps of fabric sewn together pretending to be a shirt, I turned around, a drink in one hand and a smoke in the other…and came face-to-face with one of my students. #awkward

I interviewed with a guy who asked me if I knew how to make a ‘really good cup of tea’ because his sister apparently did a great job and that’s what he was used to. I asked him if he was freaking serious, expect I didn’t say freaking. I didn’t get that job.

I had the same boyfriend throughout college. When we broke up, it was like I forgot how to secure and maintain a relationship. So I ended up just going on a series of bad dates until my girlfriend finally introduced me to my now husband. #arrangedmarriagesuccessstory

I have cried at work. In front of people. Like snotting, choking, ugly crying.

I signed up for a 5K (note: I can’t run) and while I did finish, I was so sore afterward that I could not sit on the toilet without yelping in pain and/or nearly falling into it. Also, I ran this 5K at an industry event so every other woman at this event who was in the bathroom at the same time was aware of my struggles.

Once during a meeting (a long, long time ago), a manager I could not stand called me out negatively and I completely came unglued. I didn’t work there very long after that meeting.

My youngest kid has had more dental work than some hockey teams because I let him eat his weight in fruit snacks for years before putting the two together.

I work with a guy who is so dreamy that every time he talks to me, I have to concentrate really hard on every word he’s saying because I know I will have to form an actual response when he inevitably asks me a question related to whatever the heck he’s talking about.

I once wore a pair of heels all day long until my feet were shredded because they were leopard print pony hair Cole Haan and I thought they were hot AF.

Sometimes I purposefully hide things that belong to my husband just to screw with him. If we ever get a divorce, this will be the reason. #marriageisfun

I recently sat in a meeting with our CEO simultaneously petrified he would ask me a question and terrified he wouldn’t hear me speak. I spent the whole meeting waiting for the right time to say something smart. Sadly, I’m afraid that point didn’t happen.

I flirt relentlessly. With everyone. Even when I’m not trying. Even when I’m standing there not saying a word. I literally cannot help it. I’m gonna laugh at your jokes and touch your forearm. I apologize in advance, but seriously, don’t take it too personal.

I had a boss who was a nightmare snake-on-wheels. I prayed every night he would be fired. One day he was. This isn’t really a #fail, let’s be honest.

I have made bad sales calls, spent marketing dollars are garbage lists, and given terrible advice to people I cared about.

I’ve said stupid things, done stupider things, and woefully overestimated my ability to handle situations like last night when I lost all semblance of control trying to get my kids to brush their teeth. (What in the actual hell?! Spit in your own damn sink!)

I’ve been passed over for a promotion, rejected for jobs, and blatantly ignored without a second glance.

I have been weak and selfish and greedy.

I’ve tried to be a good friend and failed. I’ve tried to be a good employee and failed there, too. Let’s not even get started on my track record as a wife and mother, people (see hiding things and teeth brushing incidents above).

I have failed over and over again.

And remarkably, almost always, received forgiveness in return. A second chance, a helping hand, encouraging words, a kick in the ass. Whatever I needed to push me forward, get me back up on my feet, pointed in the right direction. And I always learned something from those fail experiences.

If you’re ever feeling like a flop, take heart, learn the lesson, accept the bump in the road. Look around and you’ll see someone there to pick you up. Take their hand and #carryon.

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